Crystallized
by OCD ADD Goldfish
Summary: In which Alice has a vision of the New Born battle before their graduation, and she goes in search for the other Cullen, Magdalene, who hoped never to have to see them again, but would do anything to protect Carlisle. Starts during Eclipse and deviates from there. Eventual Carlisle/OC, Leah/Edward with mentions of Esme/Carlisle, Bella/Edward and Leah/Sam.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Twilight. If I were it's creator, Bella would have more personality and probably attitude, Edward nor Jacob would be the leading men, and vampires would definitely NOT sparkle.

**A/n:** As stated above, I don't believe in Vampires sparkling, therefore I'm changing the mythology of vampires in this story a little in that they will be a little closer to the classic vampires, and also not sparkle (although, the sun won't burn them and they will be impervious to stakes, and garlic). I'm going to try to make every chapter more thank 5K and hope to close the story at around ten chapters. (Hopefully.)

**Warnings: ** I'm undecided if I will add lemons, but there will definitely be language, adultery and I plan on breaking up Bella and Edward. I'm thinking this story will have side of Leaward. Also, Esme is not Carlisle's mate, but still his wife. If any of that just rubs you the wrong way enough to desire to flame, then don't continue reading.

Updates are contingent on interest, so review if you desire more.

* * *

><p><strong>~x~X~x~<strong>

**Crystallized **

**~x~X~x~**

* * *

><p>"<em>The truth is that I'm not so good,<br>At showing how I feel  
>Or keeping my mouth shut<br>When there's something to conceal.  
>Or knowing how to love,<br>Love's not in my memories."_

_-Staind, Run Away  
><em>

* * *

><p><em><strong>~Lene~<strong>_

He was dead.

I knew it was coming. After all, I'd been waiting for the moment when he'd slip away.

Years ago... it had been what I most desired: His long, painful, and drawn out death. But as I stood over his shell, I couldn't help feeling as hollow as he was.

I wasn't relieved as I once expected to be, nor did I feel joy. Instead, what I felt slowly trying to throw off the icy grip on my feelings that I always kept, was a sense of grief.

And somewhere along the way, somewhere in these last couple weeks, before his last, shuddering breath, I found the hate and anger had melted away, leaving space for forgiveness.

But without that anger and resentment I'd held on to, was left a void. And I couldn't help feeling lost.

X

I wasn't prepared for an ambush as I stepped out of the hospital.

I was so lost, not certain what I was supposed to be feeling but awash with dysphoria just the same, that I didn't even smell them.

It wasn't until I was within arms reach, that the instinct became too strong to ignore- that sixth sense that even humans have, when a possible threat is too close.

The moment I looked up at the familiar, inhumanly beautiful and pale faces, the ice started to spread. It was like a film of frost, numbing and anesthetizing, spread through my body.

My previous sense of nostalgia and grief disappeared beneath what felt like a hardened layer of ice and before anger, surprise and confusion could take hold of me at the unexpected apparition before me, my emotions seemed to disconnect.

I felt as if I was barely inhabiting my body.

Twitching a sleek brow, I stared unimpressed at the pair before me, for a moment uncertain why they were there. It was simply incomprehensible.

"What are you doing here?" I asked in deadpan, my voice barely above a whisper.

"We're looking for you of course!" The bell-like voice was almost aggravating in it's perfection. However, I was content that at least it wasn't in an extremely high pitch.

I raised a brow once more.

"Why?" I asked, feeling some of my frustration crack through the surface. My gaze flickered to the blonde male beside his mate as I noticed his muscles twitch and forced myself to relax and readjust, letting calm slowly replace the wall.

"We want you to come home," Alice replied with hope, my emotionless regard not fazing her, but then very little could ruffle Alice when she was on a mission. The pint-sized vampire, who was even smaller in stature than I was and made even _me_ look like an Amazon, was hard to get down.

"Home?"

A year ago, I might have sneered at the presumption of Alice to refer to the Cullen family as my home, but tonight, I wasn't quite feeling like myself... in fact I couldn't allow myself to truly feel anything.

"We have very different ideas of what home is, Alice," I went on with an impatient wave of the hand. "And unlike you and Jasper, I'm not welcome amongst the _Cullens_.

"It was nice to see you again, Alice, Jasper," I said dismissively, turning to walk away.

My relationship to the Cullens was strained, to say the least. Though I rightfully belonged to the coven, as their patriarch was responsible for my creation, none of the _Cullen "children"_ ever accepted me. And really, I can't blame them. After all, I nearly destroyed their perfect _family_.

But Alice and Jasper, they were always... they didn't condemn me for my sin. Perhaps because they hadn't been a part of the coven as long as the rest... perhaps because they were there, since the moment I changed...

Somehow, they understood and didn't blame me...

"We need your help..." Alice called after me, into the night. But I did not pause or turn, merely continuing to walk away, willing to put the Cullens out of my mind once more... though they could never fully be put from my mind... the vampire mind was simply too vast and powerful that nothing could ever really escape it. "Carlisle _needs_ you!"

And at that, my steps faltered. My being seemed to come to a screeching halt, my muscles all tensing at the name I couldn't bring myself to ever utter... the one name I wanted most erased from my mind and heart.

If I could breathe, I would've felt breathless. If I had a heart, it would have stopped.

Pain pulsed inside me so bitterly strong that all that anesthetic ice inside me fell away, leaving me open and vulnerable, emotions washing through me like a tidal wave.

I couldn't move under the weight of all the emotions and thoughts assaulting me. There was hurt, anger and resentment; there was longing and grief and love. Memories I didn't allow myself to dwell on came rushing in.

And then there was overwhelming worry. For _him_.

I tilted my head towards the two, but keeping it ducked down. I couldn't speak, emotion choking me and making it impossible to form words.

"There is an army of New Borns... they're coming for our family... if you don't come back with us, there won't be enough of us to survive the battle that's coming," Alice explained quickly, her voice pleading as she took a step closer, but never coming too close.

I turned around, unable to believe what I was hearing, but knowing it was true from the grave expressions that both Alice and Jasper bore.

I frowned, not knowing how or why the Cullens had gotten in such a situation, but knowing that no matter the reason that I couldn't leave _him_ to face it alone. Even if he wasn't alone, even if he had the rest of his family. I simply couldn't let him face it, and do nothing.

"So where are we going to then?" I asked with a grimace, feeling anxiety pulling itself into a large mass in my abdomen at the thought of facing them all, before I forced myself to disconnect form the situation.

Alice smiled in what might have been relief as she reached for Jasper's hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Forks."

X

Alice had come prepared it seemed, carrying identification for me. It wasn't long before we were on a plane and headed for Washington.

To pass the time, I asked Alice and Jasper to explain to me why there was an army of New Borns after the Cullens. Though Alice and Jasper seemed reluctant, they revealed the details of the past year or so and as they want on, I could see why they were so hesitant about telling me.

They believed if I knew the details, that I wouldn't have come.

As it was... there was really no way I could have stayed away if danger was coming for Carlisle, but that didn't mean that I wasn't angry about the situation, just the same.

"So Edward went and got himself a human pet," I couldn't help sneering with disdain.

"Bella is more than that," Alice frowned from her seat next to me, though she was across the isle. We were flying first class of course, which I might have found equal parts disgusting and amusing if I weren't concentrated on something else. The Cullens always did afford the best; if I'd stayed with them I might have been used to it already.

I leaned forward, to look across to Jasper who for the most part, had remained silent.

"But she's not his mate... if she were, he would've changed her when that tracker first set his eyes on her," I pointed out coldly, glaring over at the pair. But it wasn't them with whom I was angry. It was Edward...

Bratty, spoilt Edward, who always got his way. Whom Carlisle always allowed to get away with everything, even bloody murder.

It was just like Edward, to risk the entire family, just because of a little infatuation.

"Edward has been alone for a long time," Alice replied after a few moments; not refuting my statement but still sticking up for Eddie.

I guessed that Alice and Jasper must not believe this Bella was Edward's mate either. Which did nothing to improve my mood, even if it did validate my thoughts.

I shook my head, leaning it back against the head rest and closed my eyes to will away the anger and frustration. But it wouldn't go away.

For whatever reason, Edward was always the one I got along with the least, the one who made me want to rip his throat out, more than any other being on earth.

It was his superior attitude, his childishness, his ability to read minds but have no understanding for anyone- no compassion. Even for a vampire, I always found him to be far more selfish than any other of our kind that I'd met.

Rosalie could be a bitch; she could be unreasonable, but even she was capable of more compassion than Edward.

"Fair warning... I have no intention of playing nice with Eddie," I hissed below breath, because no matter the circumstance, I didn't think I would ever like or forgive Edward.

Alice and Jasper didn't respond, and I sunk in to the seat, careful not to break it as I concentrated on preparing myself for the coming ordeal.

And it _was_ an ordeal.

The Cullens all, resented me. Not Jasper and Alice so much... but Edward, Rosalie and even Esme didn't want me around.

Emmett, being easy going as he is, remains neutral on the subject. As far as I can gage, he doesn't hate or blame me and even tries to be friendly, but I wouldn't really say he's on my team any more than Jasper and Alice.

And Carlisle... he's a bleeding heart. He couldn't ever hate or resent anyone.

The moment I set foot in their mansion or whatever it is they're inhabiting to pretend they're human, they're all going to bristle and attack.

Well perhaps not Esme, she is far too polite and kind for that. But the sentiment will be there just the same.

Really, I shouldn't care and the truth is, I don't. I can give as good as I get and it takes a hell of a lot to touch my feelings, especially with my gift. But Carlisle... he's my kryptonite and everyone knows it.

My power always seemed to fail, when I was around Carlisle. At least in regards to him. The only way I can disconnect my emotions from him, separate them away from myself and tuck them neatly away, is if I'm far away from him, and can't see him or hear him. That whole, out of sight, out of mind thing helps.

Going back to him... it meant opening old woulds that never healed, merely crystalized.

And I wasn't ready for that. In truth, I'm not sure enough time could pass, for me to be ready for it and I'd hoped though I was sure it was in vain, that I'd never see him again. For it all to remain buried.

But fate was a bitch... and I'd learned that the hard way.

X

"Edward will be in school," Alice stated as we made our way up the long drive to the Cullen mansion. It was early in the morning, but the rain was thankfully keeping the sun from making it's appearance.

I've never been a huge fan of the sun when I was human. As far as I was concerned, it's light was great, but I detested the heat.

After I changed... being in the sun produced a crippling kind of pain, so painful it was like an excruciating death, only it could not actually kill us.

Even now, ten years after my change, I was still not used to the pain like vampires who'd been around for more than a couple of decades, but at least it no longer brought me to my knees.

"Great," I muttered, happy that at least I had a few hours, Edward-free. Unfortunately, I still had to see Rosalie, Esme and Carlisle.

I swallowed the imaginary lump that built in my throat as the car came to a stop and we all started to pile out, me at a much slower rate. Thankfully, whoever was home, didn't seem to think a whole lot about Alice and Jasper's return, as I did my best to be soundless in my slow approach.

Alice had always been the most graceful out of the coven. She pranced around, like a ballerina impersonating a fairy who was floating on clouds.

But for my part, I'd always been the quietest. My steps so light, they might have been fluffy snowflakes, kissing the ground.

Before I was really prepared, we were inside and Alice was calling to whoever was home, telling them she was back.

I stopped breathing before I even stepped inside, turning to shut the door behind myself even as I heard the sound of various and vampire-quick steps all come from different parts of the mansion to where we were. I didn't think I could take, smelling his wonderful scent, knowing surely that just one whiff would send those icy crystals formed around my feelings for him, crashing into millions of pieces.

In that sense, you can say I'm a master escapist or an ingenious emotion-runaway.

"Alice?" Carlisle questioned, seeming confused and I assumed he noticed my presence, but didn't recognize me, as my back was to the rest, my inky-black hair completely shielding me.

Well, there is no avoiding it, I thought, forcing myself to turn around and not duck my head as I did so.

A female gasp sounded, and though I kept my eyes up and forward, I tried to block out Esme from my vision where she stood on Carlisle's right.

I ignored Carlisle too, even as I felt the crystal cracking inside me. I tried desperately to keep it whole, and focused on Rosalie and Emmett where they stood next to each other and on the stairs. Predictably, Rosalie crossed her arms, though she wasn't scowling or glaring near as much as I expected her to. Even so, her words were expected, even if they sounded confused and wary, more than irritated.

"What are you doing here?!"

I narrowed my eyes on her, but did not respond, merely choosing to point towards the pixie, who'd moved a little father into the entryway.

"Alice?" Carlisle asked once more his voice now distant and vague. It pierced right through my armor, that indifference, even knowing that I was the one that put it there.

I winced in pain, clenching my fists and trying desperately to keep it from showing. To keep the mask in place.

I immediately felt numb, and knew that it wasn't thanks to my own gift. Turning to look at Jasper who was eyeing me with a strained expression, I offered him a nod of gratitude, to which he marginally inclined his head.

"I think it's best to wait for Edward, so I could tell you all. But I went looking for Maggie, so she can help us with our Victoria problem. Which is much bigger than we knew," Alice explained patiently and in her tinkling voice and I chose to focus all my intent on her, though I wasn't really. Folding my arms across my chest, my true focus was inward, trying to repair the damage to the walls that were protecting me... as much as they could.

"Perhaps we should move to this to the living room," Carlisle state in the same distant tones, his voice coming through as if I were hearing it from under water.

Automatically, I moved along with the rest of them and while for the most part, the Cullens arranged themselves into seated positions, I, like Rosalie and Jasper, remained standing.

That was perhaps the one thing I had in common with both Rosalie and Jasper... I never could let my guard down.

I found myself instead, standing by the baby grand piano, fingering delicately the instrument. I knew of course it must be Edward's, and there was a certain amount of pleasure I took form touching it, knowing that it would greatly annoy him.

Vaguely, I was aware of the Cullens watching me, but I ignored them and played a few keys.

Learning to play the piano, the guitar, the bass, the violin... It was something I'd always wanted to do. One of the many forms of arts that I'd wanted desperately to learn even when I was human, but could never afford... I'd left the Cullens before I ever got the chance to learn to play.

"Where have you been?" Esme asked, her voice full of curiosity, and strained to remain polite and pleasant. The tension in the room seemed to mount, but I let it flow past me and didn't turn, keeping my attention instead locked on the piano, shielding my profile from their view with my long hair.

"Home... in Chicago, looking after my family," I replied aloofly, my fingers still pressing the keys slowly, the high notes lingering in the air and fading almost completely before I struck the next note, my gaze locked intensely on my long and inhumanly pale fingers.

"Have you been in contact with them?" Carlisle asked, and I could hear a frown in his voice.

If I shut my eyes, I could picture his face perfectly; that otherworldly beauty that made him as striking as an angel, from the very first time my eyes locked on him. Those golden orbs, shining with kindness and compassion, with dark blonde brows, furrowed over them in concern that was consuming.

I didn't close my eyes.

"Of course not. Just... watching them," I replied somewhat bitterly.

Even before I died, I'd detached myself from them. I didn't want them to see me sick... I didn't want them to know about the dreadful virus I'd contracted- didn't want them to recoil from my touch-

But even so, the possibility had existed, that if I wanted to, I could have contacted them.

Being dead... being _this_, I had to cut ALL contact and all _possibility_ of it.

"You've been in Chicago... all this time?" Carlisle asked slowly, his voice sounding numb but with the barest tint of incredulity.

I couldn't help sneering. Wondering briefly if he'd always wondered where I'd disappeared to. If he ever thought of going out, searching for me through the world, and I was right where anyone with common sense would have expected me to be.

But I shook my head. Carlisle probably never gave me any thought... because implanted in his mind were walls that would keep him from feeling for me.

"Yes," I whispered simply, pumping layer upon continuous layer of icy crystal, repairing the constant cracks.

"I should hunt," I finally murmured as the awkward and tense silence continued to stretch on and on, better than the alternative of fighting – a_nd just why was Rosalie being so silent and keeping a rein on her contempt and hostility_?- but still tiring just the same. But what could you have to talk about to the black sheep of the family, once it's returned to ruin your perfect existence once more? "I haven't fed in days."

I wasn't feeling particularly thirsty, but I needed to get away from the stifling atmosphere. I suppose my lack of appetite followed me into this afterlife from when I was human.

"You must hunt with someone, as you are not-"

"We'll join Maggie and show her where to hunt," Alice volunteered and I tried not to shudder at the shortening of my name. The Cullens were possibly the first, to refer to me by it... mostly because anyone else that tried before, I had shot down.

Except for Rosalie and Edward, who both called me Magdalene, using the English pronunciation of it. I'd always detested, being called by my full name, which is why they stick to it; using it as if it is an insult synonymous with home-wrecking bitch.

My friends and loved ones usually referred to be as Lene (pronounced the Spanish way, like Leh-neh).

Carlisle called me Lene...

"Let's go then," I said as I felt my emotional center crack, as if lightning had struck. I barely contained myself from gasping in pain, even as I flew towards the door. I was out before anyone could say anything more, but Alice and Jasper were quick on my heels. It wasn't until I heard another two sets of footsteps that I turned to look back.

"Why are you coming?" I asked Rosalie, who tagged along with Emmett.

"I missed you little sis!" Emmett stated, smiling largely and trying to lighten the mood. I arched a brow in turn.

"Unfinished business," Rosalie stated simply.

"That can wait," Alice piped up, before appearing beside me, but not getting too close. The Cullens were all aware that my personal bubble was at least five foot radius and to cross it, would be seen by me as an attempt at attacking and I would react accordingly. "Ready for your tour?"

I merely motioned for Alice to show the way. She pointed out as we explored the forrest where their territory ended and the wolves' land began, reminding me, though it was unnecessary, that to set foot on Quilleute land was to invite war.

It was a few hours, before we were all done and performing the ritual of hiding the bodies. A task I was performing mindlessly and automatically, not really giving any thought to carcass I was essentially burying after I killed it.

"Why are you back?" Rosalie asked, before we'd all even finished.

"Because I missed my lovely, undead family," I retorted sarcastically, my voice low and still monotonous.

Rosalie snarled.

"Alice already told you," I reminded the blonde, shooting a look in her direction. "As soon as it's over and done... I'll be gone and you can all go on pretending to be the perfect family that was sent from above."

"What did you do to Carlisle?" Rosalie shot, causing me to stop and turn to look at her with a furrowed brow.

"What do you mean?"

"Ever since you left... I thought he would be," Rosalie frowned deeply, her arms cross over her chest but she shook her head. "It was like he didn't feel anything at all. He just acted like a zombie... and that's not like him. Even now, I thought he'd be happy you returned... like with Edward when he'd left Carlisle, but it was like you're an old acquaintance that just popped back into his life to say hello, not the girl he nearly ruined his family for."

I abandoned my shallow grave and arched a brow at Rosalie.

"What about this bothers you, exactly? I thought you'd be happy to be proved right, that I meant nothing to Carlisle but another child he'd mistakenly created?" I snapped in turn, because Rosalie was chipping away at the hardened sphere where Carlisle lived inside my heart.

"She used her power... to disconnect emotions, on him," Jasper explained, coming closer to where he stood, his arms held behind his back, his voice smooth and certain. "There is a void in Carlisle, where Maggie is concerned."

I didn't confirm or deny, but he was right. Though my heart clenched painfully at the description.

I was a _void_ inside Carlisle; how apt and yet awful just the same.

"I thought your power was just those ice crystals," Emmett stated curiously as he came over.

"My power is physical and mental," I replied simply, "But their two sides of the same coin. And yes, I used my power so that Carlisle could have peace... so everything could go back to the way it was."

Rosalie scoffed, crossing her arms. "You would've had to block yourself from Esme's mind too then."

I raised a brow at that, even as I felt guilt swell inside me.

Had Esme been unable to forgive Carlisle, in spite of her kind nature? Had I miscalculated her magnanimity?

I let my inner gaze wander back to the scene, when I'd entered into the mansion. Carlisle and Esme had not touched, even in spite of standing very close to each other.

In my photographic memory... that steel trap that was the vampire mind, I could see them clearly as if I had focused completely on them.

Esme had stood, arms wrapped around herself, her face concerned, her body tilted as if she had wanted to lean into Carlisle's reassuring embrace, but couldn't bring herself to actually touch him... to seek it out.

Carlisle himself had stood, his marble face clear as a classical statue, void of any emotion. His golden eyes seemed as if a film lay over them, preventing them from seeing and interpreting... from letting what was before him touch his heart.

It was as it should have been, but heart-breaking all the same. I had to turn away, to hide the tears that had welled in my eyes suddenly at the memory of it- tears that would never be shed. I was sure Jasper was aware of my emotions, and I felt grateful that Jasper was discreet and a gentleman. It was perhaps the reason that he was my favorite Cullen, outside of Carlisle.

"Then you can relay to Esme if you want, that she has nothing to worry about. I've learned my lesson," and with that, I was rushing back and the conversation was over.

They weren't long behind in following.

It must've been perfect timing, or fate- that bitch- that when we were stepping through the backdoor and making our way into the mansion, that Edward was walking in through the front door.

"What the she doing here?!" Edward hissed, rushing in quickly in spite of the human he was toting behind him, his words low and venomous, speaking at vampire speed. His nostrils were flared; he must've caught my scent.

"Hello to you too, _brother_," I replied sarcastically, malice in my voice even as I focused my eyes on the confused and startled human.

Large chocolate eyes, eyes almost as big as my own, were staring at Edward with concern, before darting to me in slight fear.

The girl wasn't much to look at- and Edward growled, reminding me as I flicked my eyes to his face, that he could read my thoughts.

I shrugged at him, completely unconcerned with his feelings as he'd never had any regard for mine.

"That's because you're feelings don't warrant any empathy," Edward hissed, his tone bratty and I ignored him, instead staring at the human once more, who was arguably pretty, but mostly plain.

She had long, somewhat curly, chocolate hair that seemed to match her eyes. Her figure was slender, but almost devoid of curves. She was pale, but even my skin tone had become paler than hers, causing my heart to twinge.

When I was human, my skin had been a light tan, as if kissed by the sun. I was the lightest skinned member of my family, but even so, my skin tone was a few shades darker than olive-toned skin.

While I was not as pale as the Cullens, the change in my skin tone was one of the things I missed about myself- one of the things that I'd never thought I'd miss, one of the many changes that made it unbearable for me to look in the mirror in the first years of my change because I really couldn't see myself, only what I'd become.

I imagine one day I'll look in the mirror, and no longer remember what I looked like when I was human. Perhaps I'll even forget that the change, had marginally altered my features.

But for now, it still hurt to look inside the mirror.

The tiny bump on the bridge of my nose, small enough to make my features slightly ambiguous in regards to nationality, but big enough to see even when I wore glasses, had disappeared when I woke to my new life.

My lashes, which had always been dark and sooty, had grown longer and now curved over my eyes, changing the way they looked enough for me to notice the difference.

My hair, which was silky and always as shiny as white gold, had grown out so that it reached the small of my back. But unlike when I was human, it didn't seem thinner at the tips any longer. And though my hair had always been pin straight, natural waves had been added to it.

That's not counting the changes to my body. Muscle tone had been added to it, though I'd always been thin. The scars, any distinctive marks... they'd all disappeared, like my history had been erased.

The first time I caught sight of myself in the mirror, staring at the pale beauty staring back at me with red eyes, it took me a few moments to recognize that I was looking at myself. The changes were by no means drastic... but I'd felt like my individuality had faded and I was turned into a mass-produced barbie.

I broke that mirror and have avoided them since.

It's not as if I need to look at them... this perfection is permanent and unchanging.

"Are you still whining about that?" Edward scoffed, still speaking quickly, his tone cold and sneering.

I raised a brow at him.

"You really shouldn't talk about whining, after all haven't you been whining and sulking for over a century?" I shot back, narrowing my eyes on him.

His response was a growl, his hand automatically turning into a claw. His body twitched forward as if he considered taking a step toward me, but Carlisle's commanding voice rung out into the stillness.

"Edward!" he called simply in reprimanding tones, and Edward took hold himself. Childishly, I wanted to stick my tongue out at him, but didn't. "Magdalene," he went on in his stoic and detached tone, wounding me more deeply than I wished and allowing Edward to know as he smiled gloatingly at me, "Is here to help. Now why don't we all gather and hear form Alice why she asked Magdalene to join us."

"I'm sorry, but who is she?" the girl beside Edward asked, even as he escorted her far away from me and towards one of the couches. I moved to take residence once more by Edward's precious piano, causing him to grit his teeth.

"The black sheep," I replied before Edward could get over his facial tick.

"Someone Carlisle made the mistake of turning, just over ten years ago," Edward replied coolly, causing Esme to reprimand him for being rude. I would've rolled my eyes, but instead decided to lean against the piano, much to Edward's annoyance.

I couldn't really help it, arguing with Edward gave me somewhere to focus my resentment and bitterness. And if I could focus on hating him, rather than focusing on Carlisle, all for the better.

"But we don't need _her_ help," Edward replied, turning to glare at Alice now as he tried to regain that gentlemanly composure he's so proud of, but that I never quite believed in.

In my mind, Emmett was a truer gentleman. He might say things that were crude, and his past might have been littered with a fair few one-night stands when he was human, but his actions spoke louder than his words.

"We do need her," Alice argued and she must've thought of the vision she'd seen, because Edward didn't really seem to care that I was there suddenly. Instead, he'd wrapped his arms protectively around the girl.

I turned out the discussion that followed, as Alice informed them of all the things she'd told me of Victoria's plan and the coming of the New Born army, vaguely aware of Bella giving me curious but wary glances now and then.

"They'll outnumber us," Carlisle said gravely and I ignored the way Esme grabbed hold of his hand for comfort.

"That's why I sought out Maggie, her gift would give us an advantage; all she has to do is touch them," Alice replied.

"What gift?" Bella asked.

I couldn't help smirking.

"Don't you dare!" Edward hissed, getting halfway to his feet as he saw what I'd planned.

But he was too late. Before he was fully upright, I'd already touched my index finger to his precious, white piano and in that second, it became encased in a crystal-like substance that was so hard that it rivaled our very body-structure and so icy cool to the touch, that our skin by comparison felt as warm as a summer day.

Bella's eyes widened as she took in the smooth, gleaming surface that seemed to glow blue-white.

"A vampire encased in this, can't break free of it. One graze of my fingers, and they're rendered immobile," I explained, before looking towards Edward. "Should I show her what else the crystals can do? If manipulate the miniscule atoms so that they seep into the wood and crystalize, destroying your piano from the inside?"

Edward shook with rage.

"Magdalene," Carlisle chastised simply and I caved as I always seemed to with him.

I rolled my eyes- thinking that it wasn't as if they couldn't buy another fucking piano, but of course little baby Eddie can't be upset in the least.

The crystal retracted, the wood groaning as if in relief and I absorbed it back into myself. I shifted in momentary discomfort.

I wasn't sure why the iciness was so effortless to expel, but when absorbing it back in myself, it felt so biting. The only thing I could liken the sensation to, was diving into arctic waters in your underwear... icy needles stabbing every nerve and into your flesh.

"That doesn't really help us. Every New Born she touches can't be destroyed, the crystal will protect them from fire, and we won't even be able to tear their bodies apart," Edward argued, determined not to accept that I could help.

"I've come a long way in learning to control my gift," I retorted, showing him that I'd learned how to break things into tiny shards, without touch. That I could retract the ice, from up to three feet away without having to physically touch the crystals.

_'They'll take too long, reattaching all those tiny pieces... they'll burn before they can form even a limb,' _I thought at Edward.

"Of course, none of this would be necessary if you followed the rules, and stayed away from the human, living at the margins as you're supposed to."

Edward narrowed his eyes at me, once more gritting his teeth as Carlisle sighed.

"Preaching to the choir," Rosalie stated coldly, arms crossed over her chest where she stood against one of the walls.

Briefly Edward turned to glare at her before turning back to me.

"You're one to judge," he spat heatedly. "Given _your_ mistakes!"

Bella tensed where she sat, looking up at Edward with concern. Had he not seen what a monster he was?

"If you love her so much, then surely you can't live without her? So why didn't you just change her or let her turn when the nomad bit her?" I spat in turn, feeling rage building up inside me.

"Because I'm not _that_ selfish, I want to her to live a normal, human life!"

I wonder if Carlisle would have winced at that, but I knew he felt nothing about it... he couldn't. And I didn't even turn to gaze at him, knowing that I wouldn't see anything. Instead I focused on the anger I felt at Edward, who selfishly dragged his family and the human into this situation.

"You ruined her chances of that by merely talking to her! You know we're death to all humans, especially when we get close to them! When we let them see us for what we are!" I retorted my voice raising to match his.

"But I want to change," the girl suddenly said, standing up, trying to stop the argument and my head whipped to her. "I want to become one of you..."

"You don't know what you're asking for," I spat, feeling disgust that she would _choose_ to throw her humanity away. "Why would you throw it away for someone who is going to leave you the moment he meets his mate?"

Bella, the girl, looked at Edward with horror and fear, seeking reassurances. But Edward was glaring at me.

"Bella _is_ my mate."

"Your assertions don't convince me. Actions always speak louder than words, and if Bella was your mate, you would have changed her yourself, the moment you realized her life was in danger. And you never would have been able to leave her. A vampire can't live without their mate, won't stand anything threatening their lives. You would have changed her and made her indestructible as you, just so you would never go a day or night without her," I hissed, speaking at a vampire rate in speed.

"Then how could you leave Carlisle?" Edward spat in turn, also speaking in a low and inhumanly quick hiss.

And just like that, I didn't respond, because I didn't want to bring out the skeletons in front of Carlisle and Esme. Because I planned to pretend the past didn't exist, where they were concerned.

I glared at Edward, but found myself remembering the night I left. How painful it had been, to say goodbye to Carlisle, to plant my crystal walls inside his mind so that he wouldn't have to feel my departure...

I'm still not sure, how I made it far enough away from Carlisle, knowing that I'd never see him again, in order to be able to start building the crystal fortress inside myself.

Every step I took, undid the walls I built, but the farther I ran from him, the less they seemed to break until finally, I was far enough away that they seemed indestructible and I existed more like a hollow and lifeless doll.

"I hope the day you find your mate, that I can witness it for myself, just so I can watch that self-righteous arrogance, crumble and we see if you have the strength to fight your nature, or if you show the monster you truly are," I retorted in quiet, cruel tones before turning on my heel and heading for the door, but not before tracing my hand over the piano surface.

By the time I reached the door, the piano was already shattering into tiny pieces, like my heart.

**TBC...**

Updates are contingent on interest, so review if you desire more.


	2. Chapter 2

"_I've been trying to do it right  
>I've been living a lonely life<br>I've been sleeping here instead  
>I've been sleeping in my bed<br>Sleeping in my bed  
><em>

_So show me family,  
>All the blood that I would bleed.<br>I don't know where I belong  
>I don't know where I went wrong."<em>

_-The Lumineers, Hey Ho_

* * *

><p><strong>x~X <em>Lene<em> X~x**

After I exited the Cullen's, I wandered late into the night, before finally laying down in a patch of grass and simply stared at the canopy of foliage above, and beyond that to the snatches of velvety blue sky that could be seen above.

Out here... it seemed like the stars gleamed in the millions... like tiny diamonds that light has been cast upon. In Chicago, you can't get that kind of view...

I'm not sure what I did, or even really thought in those hours that passed.

Time is relative, even for vampires. Carlisle told me that sometimes, decades could pass like seconds, and minutes could stretch on eternally.

I didn't really want to think, but even when you're human, that's impossible. Although, sometimes your mind thinks of millions of little unimportant things, that by the time you come to and try to figure out what you were thinking about, all those little thoughts scatter like pollen in the wind.

Being a vampire, was a tug of war. Your humanity, versus that core of vampire instinct nestled now, deep in your being.

That core... it's selfish, territorial, possessive and feral. And has desires that demand sating, against your better nature...

Carlisle was the one thing I wanted more than anything else, but blood, once I woke to this life.

I ignored that pull to him, once I changed, as much as I could. But it always existed inside of me, even when I was human, and wouldn't let me alone.

Eventually, your core wins. Even with my power to build walls and disconnect from emotions that I don't want to feel, I broke down.

One moment of weakness... the moment where the vampire is in full control- during and just after feeding- I crossed the line with Carlisle. And though Carlisle had always been the best at ignoring and suppressing the vampire nature... he failed- he caved to his vampiric desires.

When all the world brings out the saint in Carlisle, I seem to bring out the demon.

Where I'm concerned... the vampire in Carlisle comes out in dominating force, every now and then.

I always did bring out the worst in Carlisle... but even at his worst, he was the most sublime being in creation.

While never being one for romance, I always thought that love was supposed to bring out the best of you... and bring out the best in your partner... but in my experience, that hadn't really been the case.

Before I met Carlisle, I was only in love once. Or at least... I thought it was love.

After all, that's what all the movies would have you believe, isn't it? That heart racing, butterflies in your stomach... can't eat, can't sleep... fireworks when you kiss... that's what love is supposed to be.

But maybe I was too young... too inexperienced, to love truly. To love _enduringly_.

In the end, I ruined it... with my insecurity and jealousy. And then he betrayed me.

I thought after high school, after spending a year apart and growing, that perhaps we could try again, because no one ever made me feel, what he did.

But it was never the same.

I'm not sure why I stayed with him. Maybe I hoped that because a part of me loved him, that the old spark might ignite. That he was the solution because I'd already given him my heart before... but we were companions at best.

By the time Carlisle came into my life, I'd completely given up on love. I wouldn't allow it into my life... not in a romantic sense. Although by that point, I'd even cut ties with my family, so perhaps I closed myself to all kinds of love.

Mostly because I was wounded, and maybe because I was slowly dying... and because my love might be a death sentence to any man who would brave it.

But Carlisle was already dead. And in the end... he saved me.

When I asked him why, he told me it was because he didn't think he could stand to live in a world that I no longer inhabited. That he just couldn't let me go.

It scared me... because I knew Esme was somewhere, trying to find something she thought she was missing and I felt, it was only a matter of time before she came back to Carlisle, realizing that he was _it_ all along.

I let my guard down for him, against my better judgement. And my vampire nature, clung to Carlisle ferociously...

But in the end, I was right. Esme came back for her husband.

We lived for months in some kind of hell. Carlisle, trying desperately to be the good man and rein in his vampire nature, while I warred with myself over as well.

It wasn't just the vampire inside me, that wanted to keep Carlisle.

As much as I hated the thought of being the other woman, as much as I loathed myself for being fool enough to think I deserved Carlisle when I'd known all along that his wife would come back... I also couldn't help feeling that Carlisle had saved _me_! _He'd_ pursued _me_! He smiled and laughed with _me_! He told me, that he belonged to _me_! That he couldn't go on without _me_!

And the vampire inside me, wholly agreed.

But I was always a human full of doubt. And I started to wonder, if Carlisle really wanted me. In the end, I decided that his uncertainty, his unwillingness to hurt Esme by deserting her even in spite of his ambivalence... that it spoke volumes of his true feelings. And I decided to make it better and easier for everyone. After all, I never deserved Carlisle... and how could I compete with the paragon of good and sophistication, that was Esme?

It killed me, leaving him. My nature rebelled the entire way, wanting me to tear Esme to pieces... though I wasn't sure I could even do that... because even the vampire would never do anything to wound Carlisle so deeply.

But I let him go... giving him a parting gift that would allow him, not to think of me, and if he did to not feel anything.

I thought that would be enough to give him peace.

But had it?

I wasn't sure anymore.

X

It felt close to noon, when I finally stirred from this other plane- where thoughts seem to fade to meditation. I could hear the sound of someone swiftly approaching and my body tensed, ready to spring even as I allowed myself to breathe.

Rosalie's familiar scent- like sweet roses, plums and a hint of musk- carried to me seconds before she stopped, standing about ten feet away.

"Alice wants you to get ready, to attend Edward and Bella's graduation," she told me in her bossy, irritated tones. I learned not to take it personally, so it didn't bother me.

"I'm sure it is better all around, if I don't go, seeing as I don't care and as most of the family wouldn't want me there anyway," I responded in deadpan, not moving from where I lay.

"Don't be a pain in the ass about this, you know how Alice gets. Just get ready to go. We leave in an hour."

I arched a brow and looked over at the blonde, whose arms were crossed over her chest. She hadn't moved and was staring at me expectantly.

"There is going to be a party at the house," Rosalie suddenly stated, though I didn't understand what she was going on about or why it mattered to tell me. "Alice _will_ be here to force you into attendance. So it's much easier explaining that you are a relative from out of town, visiting for Alice, Jasper and Edward's graduation, if you actually show up to _attend_ to the graduation."

While I could see the logic in that, I still didn't see the point, as I didn't expect to be here more than two weeks. So what was the point of lying to the humans of Forks, explaining my presence, when it was unlikely that I would ever see any of them- when it was unnecessary to interact with them.

But if Alice had her mind set on it... containing the urge to sigh, I got to my feet. Alice always got what she wanted in the end, and there was no point fighting her on this. Besides, maybe it would prove to be entertaining.

"Has Alice picked something fabulous for me to wear?" I asked sardonically as we made our way back to the house at a moderate pace. I didn't realize how far I'd wandered from the Cullens' when I found that we were traveling at moderate vampire speed and the mansion was nowhere in sight.

"You know Alice," Rosalie replied simply, affection and irritation warring in her tone.

I nodded my head. The only reason that I didn't mind this particular, anal trait of Alice's, was that at least she mostly kept in mind the person's style when picking their outfit instead of completely disregarding it.

Having grown in the eighties and then early nineties, my style was minimalistic by comparison to the time. I'd never cared for the flashy, colorful or sparkly colors that were part of the eighties and nor the harsh primary and secondary colors, intermixed on cloth that was a large part of the nineties. I stuck to mostly black clothes, t-shirts, pleated skirts when it was too hot for jeans, and Chuck sneakers and Doc Martens.

I didn't stick out, as I did my best not to, but I suppose my style was simple punk, and later slightly grunge.

I was pleased to note, when we returned and Rosalie had shown me into a washroom, that the dress Alice had chosen for me was a simple black dress. Though it fit like a second skin, and the back was more open then I was strictly comfortable with; the hem only reached mid-thing in length.

As I slipped on the black stiletto heels on my feet- absently wondering if Alice had gone shopping for me before she'd come to Chicago as I wasn't quite the same size as either Alice of Rosalie for their clothes to fit me- I considered looking into the mirror.

I felt the outfit, simple as it was, was far too sexy and likely to draw more attention then I was comfortable with. However, I pushed the thought aside, telling myself that next to Rosalie, I was unlikely to draw all that much attention and it wasn't as if I wasn't used to ignoring the stares and comments of humans.

Though, it was rather exhausting, and I was going to be exposed to more humans in one place, than I was used to. But I comforted myself that at least, it couldn't be a disaster, or Alice wouldn't be demanding my presence.

Still... today was going to be hell.

X

I arrived at Forks High with Rosalie and Emmett and very reluctantly joined the somewhat large cluster of people, where Carlisle and Esme stood with Edward, Bella and a human male with dark brown hair. Standing off to the side, not far from them, stood Alice and Jasper who were the first to see us.

"Maggie! You look great!" Alice cried happily, bouncing over to me and grabbing my hand rather unexpectedly that I had to tense all my muscles to stop my inclination to recoil violently away, and scaring the humans.

I felt the eyes of everyone turn to me while Rosalie and Emmett moved away, no longer blocking me and moving to join Jasper where he stood, now alone without the pixie at his side.

I tried to smile slightly at Alice, though I glared at her as she slipped her tiny hand into my own and started to pull me forward.

"Come meet Charlie," Alice spoke enthusiastically as she pulled me forward until I was standing next to Esme, dutifully ignoring her and Carlisle, who stood next to _her_ with an arm wrapped around her waist.

I focused all my attention on the pale-skinned human with dark brown hair, staring at me with warm brown eyes with an odd look on his face... I raised a brow at the man standing next to Bella and figured that he must be her father, they had similar features after all.

Slowly, my eyes flicked over his face, wondering at his inscrutable expression. If I had to guess, I would say his attempt at a blank expression denoted that he was a very serious person who looked more than a little uncomfortable.

Beneath a thick mustache were surprisingly full lips of pale pink, corners down-turned slightly as his gaze flicked almost anxiously to my right where Esme and Carlisle stood.

Socially awkward, I decided to myself, unable to help finding the man somewhat endearing because of it. Perhaps because I knew what it was like to be uncomfortable around groups of people.

"Charlie, I'd like you to meet Magdalene Cullen. Maggie, this is Charlie Swan, Bella's father," Carlisle introduced in light, polite tones, a hint of a smile in his voice- a part of me wondered at the warmth in his tone, wondering if it was related to _me_ but pushed the very notion away. If the walls I'd placed on Carlisle held, he would have no warmth for me, only polite disregard.

But then why...

No, I told myself firmly, forcing myself to stay in the present.

I didn't allow my eyes to move away from Charlie Swan as he turned to look back at me, his brow furrowed slightly in question while I tried to recover from the pain I felt, merely at hearing Carlisle's voice.

"Nice to meet you," he intoned, his voice almost a shy murmur.

I couldn't help smiling at that as I gained control, the icy calm a balm to my wounds, feeling content that man was simply awkward and shy as I'd thought.

"The pleasure is all mine," I replied as I raked my eyes over him, noting that for a man who was probably in his late thirties or early forties, that he had a rather sturdy and fit build. And that though his features were nothing special and didn't stand out, that he was actually handsome in a simple, down-played way.

I felt a sudden and rather strange desire to run my fingers through his curly locks, wondering if they were in fact soft, or deceptive in their appearance.

"Magdalene is Carlisle's sister," Edward explained, causing me to turn to look at him and note that he was glaring at me with a look of disapproval, probably picking from my thoughts that I found the father of his little girlfriend attractive.

"Step sister," I corrected, not wishing to be so directly related to the Cullen's and thinking that it was unlikely that anyone would believe that Carlisle and I were biologically related in spite of the exceedingly pale skin, golden eyes, and otherworldly beauty.

I turned my attention back to Charlie and smiled, unable to hep the opportunity to bug the crap out of Edward.

"I'm just in town to see little Eddie, Alice and Jasper graduate," I smiled, reaching over to Edward and pinching his cheek harshly. Being around humans meant that Edward couldn't dodge as quickly as he would have liked, as we had to play human.

Edward pulled away as soon as he could, rubbing his cheek and glaring at me as I retracted my hand. Though I didn't think Esme or Carlisle approved, I could see the look of amusement that lightened Charlie's features as he looked at Edward.

_'He must not like Eddie much'_, I concluded, looking at Charlie with approval. _'At least someone in the Swan line isn't stupid and actually has good taste_.'

Edward mumbled something rude under his breath, but I ignored him, content with having pinched his cheeks.

"Um... maybe we should head inside?" Bella intoned suddenly, seeming uncomfortable and causing me to look towards her for the first time. It was funny, how the human who was the cause for all the trouble- the reason for Alice and Jasper tracking _me_ down and bringing me _here_- could so easily disappear into complete irrelevance.

Beside her, Edward squeezed Bella comfortingly while glaring at me.

We all then moved inside, me heading up the rear and not paying much mind to my company. I noticed as I walked slowly, that around us more than a few people seemed to have noticed me, as I could here their chatter.

"_Who is that?" _a female asked, rather cattily from somewhere behind.

"_Could it be another Cullen? Do they ALL look like freakin' professional models?"_ another female responded, a tinge of envy in her voice.

"_Wow that chick is hot, who is THAT?"_ a male voice, form somewhere to my right.

I was tempted to roll my eyes, instead clenched my teeth and willed myself to try and breathe easy. Not a difficult thing for me, considering my power and my predisposition from when I was human to ignore hunger pangs. It was easy for my to disconnect from the thirst that dominates the lives of other vampires.

Of course, in my New Born year I had all the typical New Born problems, though I never killed anyone. But that wasn't from lack of trying and more due to the precautionary measures that Carlisle took.

Always so responsible, my Carlisle.

I shook that thought quickly from my head as we all came to a stop. Distantly, I heard Bella say that they (meaning the graduates in the Cullen family and herself) should join her classmates while I wondered why I was thinking of the past. Why I was slipping so, but knowing the answer without even having to wonder even a moment. But I didn't like the answer.

"We should find seats," Esme said in her sweet but somehow not obnoxiously saccharine or high pitched voice. Esme had a smooth voice, that put me in mind of champagne and strawberries.

The family moved to find a row and somehow, I found myself next to Charlie Swan.

"Do you mind if I join you?" I asked quietly, offering a gentle smile.

Charlie shoo his head, though it was probably more due to politeness than desire. After all, the man seemed rather tense and I had a feeling that I set him ill-at-ease.

_'Could he sense what I am?'_ I wondered, while taking one of the fold out chairs next to him.

I found myself, as I sat and attempted to keep my modesty, studying the gym. It felt like forever, since I'd last been in a high school gym. In truth, it would've probably felt like an eternity even when I was human.

I'm not sure what it is about being on this side of eighteen, but after eighteen, High School starts to feel like something from childhood. And high schoolers are young, foolish children, still trying to learn the basic truths of life while thinking that they know everything.

I smiled self-deprecatingly to think, that even I- being serious, cynical and mature as I was- had thought at fourteen that I'd met the love of my life, and that I would never love anyone as much as I loved him.

Although, perhaps I wasn't completely wrong. While I was alive, I never loved like that again.

This world-tilting, all-consuming yearning for Carlisle... that only took hold after I'd changed. But perhaps that was simply because I only saw Carlisle on a handful of occasions, for very brief expanses of time.

But even then, I'd trusted him as I rarely trusted anyone, especially at that point in my life. I told him things, that I couldn't tell anyone else, telling myself it was easy to tell him, simply because he was my doctor.

"So... where are you from?" Charlie asked awkwardly, attempting to be polite as they waited for students to finish assembling and getting ready for the coming event.

"Chicago," I replied simply, never really one for small talk, but it was nice to have a distraction.

"I thought Dr. Cullen was from Alaska," Charlie asked, his brow furrowed over his brow as I shot a look at him.

"Carlisle has lived in many places," I replied simply with a shrug. "But _I'm_ from Chicago."

"And you came all the way to Washington to see Alice, Edward and Jasper graduate?" he asked, sounding somewhat skeptical, causing me to arch a brow at the man who blushed.

I smile gently, letting him know that I wasn't offended. If I were him, I'd think it strange too that someone's step-sibling would go so far to see one's adopted children graduate. Unless of course they'd grown together from very small children and actually had a close sibling bond.

"It's a good excuse to visit... I haven't seen the family in so long," I replied, not letting onto the fact that was by choice rather then the usual constraints of life.

Charlie nodded. Thankfully, for his sake more than mine, there wasn't time for further discussion as the ceremony finally started and we settled in.

Was it just me, or are graduations boring occasions? If I looked back and tried to remember my own, I wouldn't be able to tell you a single word of any of the speeches, or even who was given them.

All I really remember about them was sitting in my seat in an awful green cap and gown, hoping that my pinched feet wouldn't hurt much worse, before I had to get up and retrieve my diploma, well fervently hoping that my heels wouldn't twist my ankles.

Looking down at the once torture devices, now affixed to my feet, I found that I could barely feel them. And I felt nowhere as concerned about tripping and falling my face, or walking like a drunk because I wasn't used to walking on pencil thin heels.

One of the perks of being a vampire, I guess. Sky-high, stiletto heels become a problem only for poor little humans.

X

The party had been in full swing now for a couple hours. After watching remotely from the top of the stairs, I quickly became bored in spite of the memories forced to run rampant in my brain.

Though, I had to hand it to Alice. The little pixie sure knew how to decorate and throw a party. Too bad her particular talents are wasted in our undead life, having no reason to party like this was we did.

I never was one to party, at least not when I was a teenager. Being anti-social by nature, they weren't my scene and even had anyone ever invited me to such a rager, I would never have been allowed to attend. I had, after all, a pretty strict curfew.

After I was diagnosed and later on told that it wasn't likely that I would live to see twenty-five, I'd wanted to rectify that. To make up for all the time I lost being a "good girl".

Between twenty-one and the time I was changed, anytime I could afford to, I "partied like a rockstar". Which of course included club raves, binge drinking and the occasional use of ecstasy.

I was reckless and lived dangerously... and why shouldn't I? I was going to die anyway, much sooner than anyone should- the dancing, the drugs... they helped me to forget for a while that my days were numbered.

"_You really shouldn't be doing this, Lene."_

"_Are you stalking me, Dr. Cullen?" I asked, arching a brow at him from where I lay against what felt like very comfortable and fluffy pillows on a bed that felt wonderfully new. I should have felt concerned waking in the bed of a man I'd only met three months before, and had only seen since on four different occasions, none which were particularly lengthy, but I couldn't find in myself reason to care about much these days. At least, not where I was concerned. _

_Besides, Dr. Cullen- in spite of his impossibly good looks- struck me as a good person. I doubted there was a single cruel, sadistic cell in his entire body. _

"_Coincidence. Though, I think it is more likely fate keeps putting me in your path," he responded in quite tones, carrying his disappointment as he turned to look at me from where he sat on a chaise in his bedroom. "A good thing too. You were very disoriented when I came upon you and seemed on the verge of being taken home by a man whose intentions were highly-"_

_He stopped speaking, something flashing behind his eyes so fierce that it was contradictory to his very being._

"_If he was foolish enough to take advantage of me in that condition, than he'd get his just deserts," I replied dryly, disgust shadowing my apathetic words. "And if he were sober, he might have been scared off all together before it got that far," I responded, reaching down to pull up the shirt I'd been changed into. _

_Before I could reveal the message I'd written on my body with a sharpie and self-loathing, his cold hand stopped my own. Looking up, I felt my breath catch in my throat as I stared at the warm, but sorrowful eyes, now staring down into my eyes with breathtaking sympathy. _

"_You don't need to show me, I saw it while I helped my daughter put you into more comfortable clothes," he stated in quiet tones, that sounded almost tearful and made my heart ache. _

_I yanked my hand away, though not because I felt self-conscious or uncomfortable with the fact that he'd seen my body- he was a doctor after all, he'd seen it all before. And those gowns I'd been forced into wearing during any trip to the emergency room left little to the imagination, thin and open in the back as they are. _

_What made me recoil was everything else. Was that empathy, so warm and bright, that stole my very breath away and almost seemed to burn. _

_I didn't want it! _

_I didn't need it!_

"_I wish you wouldn't do this to yourself," he whispered in quiet tones and I wanted to ask him why the hell he cared so much- I was just another patient- people died everyday-_

_But I didn't voice any of it. _

"_I don't know what you're talking about... I'm merely having a good time, while I can," I responded in almost harsh tones, or they would have, if I didn't have to speak in such low tones to keep my voice from breaking with the tears that were choking me to keep at bay. _

"_You're self-destructing, Lene-"_

"_It's none of your business what I do with the time I have left," I hissed through clenched teeth, balling my hands into the covers of his bed, refusing to look at him- knowing one look at him and I would fall apart."I'm sorry if you disapprove, but I'm not going to die miserable: slowly of some fucking infection my body can't fight off while treated by hospital staff like a leper!"_

I wasn't always such a bitch, I thought. Or at least, I hoped. After all, people don't just stay away from you when you're quiet, and I'm aware that quite often in my teens, I wore a scowl more often than not. But I never hurt anyone if I could help it, even after I was diagnosed.

I shouldn't be here, I thought, having unconsciously wandered into Carlisle's study.

The Graduation party had nothing for me and with the Cullen's all scattered around doing whatever it was they were all up to, the temptation was simply too great. Somehow I felt if I couldn't get close to Carlisle, then this was surely the next best thing.

I'm not sure if I was simply too caught up, examining the books on his shelves, running my fingers along the spines or if it was simply the loud music, pulsing downstairs and reverberating on the floor beneath my feet, but I didn't hear the sound of approaching footsteps, and barely heard the sound of the door turning.

I gritted my teeth, expecting Edward or Esme, or perhaps even Alice- come to root me out and didn't turn.

If I had a heart, it might have tripped and broken down at the sound of his mellifluous voice, so like the warmth of the sun on a cold winter day.

"I didn't expect to find you here."

His tone was less aloof, that it had been only yesterday, and against my volition, I felt my brows furrowing even as an errant and miscreant bird of hope spread it's fragile wings inside my chest and soared.

"I didn't mean to be," I replied, not turning to look at him, forcing my voice steady while I stared unseeingly at the shelf before me, fighting my instinct to jump out the nearest window.

I felt his presence and the air shift, when he came to stand next to me, but I turned my head, hoping to use my hair as a screen for my eyes from his presence. I redoubled my efforts, to erect the crystal and impenetrable wall around my heart but couldn't seem to manage.

I was simply too aware of his proximity, that I thought I might go insane. I felt as if I'd drifted too close to the sun, and expected any moment for the heat to kill me.

"I'm..." he paused as if uncertain, and I couldn't help turning to look at him. His blond brow was furrowed over his eyes, his golden eyes staring down as if the words he was looking for were written there. "- I should... would be... glad. I just... don't feel like myself."

And then he looked at me, his confused and glazed eyes like an arrow through my heart.

A blonde, wavy lock, fell into his eyes and reflexively, I reached out and tucked it back, inhaling jaggedly as he tilted his head almost into my touch and regarded me with curiosity.

"What did you do... Lene?"

I felt as if I couldn't breathe... though it wasn't necessary to, the sentiment of my chest tightening felt just the same.

A storm of guilt seemed to whip through me.

"What I had to," I whispered, wishing he could understand though I couldn't bring myself to regret the actions I'd taken, even though I knew that he wouldn't have wanted. It was for the best... for him especially. Even if he didn't see it.

**TBC...**

**A/n: **Sorry about the long wait, this chapter just would not come together. Also, I'm sorry about any typos or other mistakes, as I just wanted to get the chapter posted. Also, thanks all you guys who took the time to review!

Remember to review!


	3. Chapter 3

"_I pushed you away  
>Although I wished you could stay<br>So many words left unsaid,  
>But I'm all out of breath<em>

_So go, go, go  
>Get out of here<br>Go away."_

_-Of Monsters and Men, Sinking Man_

_**x~X Lene X~x**_

"_What did you do... Lene?"_

"_What I had to."_

For a while, all remained absolutely still. I refused to look at Carlisle, even though it killed me not to know what was going through his mind. A part of me not wanting to know.

"I don't want to feel this way," he said then, breaking the silence, his voice so small but not in the least confused but instead sure even if a bit aloof.

I couldn't help furrowing my brow, or my instinct to turn and look at him.

His eyes were so piercing, that the moment they met mine, I knew I could not look away. That I didn't have the strength to.

"I know you want to spare me... I know you will take all the blame and the abuse- but it's for me to share and no matter how painful, I would not be parted from any of my sentiments, especially not those I feel for you," he spoke quietly and seriously, so quietly that I doubted that even the vampires would be able to hear with the music even if they stood just outside the study door.

If I thought I couldn't breathe before, it was nothing to what those words did to me. I thought then if I was not built like a statue, that the sentiment that suddenly knocked against me would have made it impossible to remain standing.

My throat tightened, worst then any thirst pangs I'd ever felt before and as I became lost in his eyes, I was uncertain what to do or say.

"What do you want Carlisle?" I whispered, because I couldn't raise my voice any higher than that as I pleaded for him for... _something_. I felt a sweltering anger so hot that it burned tears in my eyes because he was my weakness, because he never made a choice and tortured me instead with his words. "What do you want me to _do?!"_

Because I didn't know what he wanted. Because I couldn't remove the barrier without sending us all pitching into a spiral to hell. Because I _couldn't_ go back to _that_. Because I refused to exist as the Other Woman.

Carlisle frowned as he looked away, finally releasing me by doing so. But even so, my eyes remained on his face, searching him for the answer... as if his words might somehow release me from what I felt for him because I obviously couldn't do it myself.

Before Carlisle could say anything, the door of his study opened. We both turned and looked at Rosalie who looked between us momentarily with an arched brow that briefly took over her scowl.

Looking away from her, I noticed then that Carlisle and I stood very close to each other, causing me to cross my arms and move somewhat away as I turned to look at Rosalie, wondering what she wanted as she continued to stand at the threshold.

"The mutts have arrived. Jasper and Edward think that it would be a good idea to inform them of the coming New Born battle," Rosalie reported, though she was nearly spitting in rage. Rage I was starting to think, had nothing to do with how she found Carlisle and I.

"They do have a right to know that a large number of New Borns may be passing near and through their territory, so that they may protect their tribe," Carlisle lectured reasonably, almost as though Rosalie had interrupted nothing.

I bristled in hurt, but forced myself not to show it.

Rosalie didn't think much about Carlisle's response as she rolled her eyes, but she refrained from commenting on it.

"We're all gathering in the dinning room. Alice, and Esme are seeing out all the _guests," _and with that, Rosalie turned and left, the summoning left hanging in the air.

I felt Carlisle turn and knew that he was about to say something, so I moved quickly to follow Rosalie. Yes, I was running away like a coward, but really what else could I do? I'd already ventured that path with Carlisle, I didn't want to go down it once more.

"_You're really stupid, you know that,"_ Rosalie told me, not long after we first met- when she and Emmett stopped to visit after their 20th honeymoon or something. "_When Esme comes back, because she will... he's just going to leave you. You're setting yourself up for failure... the Mistress ALWAYS loses."_

...

"_You should leave... if you have any respect for anything, you should go. You don't belong here," E_dwards words, cold and cruel, filled with resentment ran in my head.

…

"_Lene," Carlisle's voice, a whisper in the dark to where I stood, frozen in place, staring out the vast window and into the snow covered night. Were I human, I might have been in tears. But instead, I just fell a vast reserve of anger and I felt if I uncrossed my arms from my chest, I'd unleash a wave of unmerciful destruction. _

"_Carmen and Eleazar are taking me into town," I whispered, though I wasn't sure why I was breaking the silence... only knowing that there was nothing that Carlisle could possible say that I would want to hear. _

"_Would you like me to-"_

"_No... your family is finally all together again- I thought you might like to spend time with them without me intruding," I replied without turning to look at him, though I could feel him lingering behind me, no more than three feet away. _

"_You're not intruding, Lene. You're part of this-"_

_I scoffed, causing him to stop speaking. _

"_I'm not welcome nor wanted, Carlisle. And if I stay, its only because I'm barely out of my New Born phase... because I haven't been exposed to many humans yet."_

"_You want to leave?" he asked, his voice sounding heart-broken as he closed the distance between us and gently took me in his arms so that he could turn me to face him. _

_I glared up at him, unable to believe that he could ask. _

"_This is a living hell, Carlisle! Every moment I'm here, I want to tear Esme, or Edward or Rosalie apart! I almost pulled Esme's head off when she arrived! And I can't take this anymore! Their looks! Their asinine and degrading remarks! I didn't fucking ask for this Carlisle! Why didn't you just leave me alone?! Why didn't you just let me die?!"_

"_I can't go on without you," Carlisle spoke, his voice breathless and almost sounding like a sob, spoken so lowly that I could barely hear and I felt all the anger evaporate, leaving behind only despair as I wrapped me arms around his neck. _

_I didn't want to hurt him... fucked up as it was considering his words turned out to be lies... his promises so easily broken. _

_His own arms wrapped tightly around me, pressing me so close to him that the tips of my feet barely touched the ground. _

"_Don't leave me. I know it's selfish of me to ask... but I can't lose you"_

"_I'll stay," I whispered in response, weakly and brokenly. "But I can't live in this hell for eternity."_

To this day, I'm not sure how the hell I lasted those last few, dragging months, but I pushed this out of my mind, instead thinking of the other thoughts that had crossed my mind.

"Why haven't you tried to recruit the Denali's for this battle?" I asked no one in particular as I caught up with Rosalie, just as she was on the threshold into the dining room.

"They blame Bella for the death of Irina's mate," Rosalie replied as we entered, shooting a glare at the three Native-American wolf-boys who looked very uncomfortable as they stood tensely near to Bella and as far from the rest of the Cullens as they could.

Immediately I forced myself to stop breathing as I was punched by their stench.

"Who is that?" the biggest of the three asked, looking at me with narrowed and suspicious eyes at the same time that I asked Rosalie, "Irina got a mate?"

"A vampire by the name Laurent, part of the nomad coven that we came across last year. He went to see the Denali's after he defected and became Irina's mate. He came back to Forks not long ago- for Bella while we were away. The wolves tore him apart," Rosalie explained at vampire speed, shooting a look at the wolves that screamed distaste.

I raised a brow at this.

Though I met the Denali coven and even got along better with them then with the majority of the Cullen's, I hadn't bothered to keep in contact with them after I left the Cullens.

"Magdalene is a friend that we asked to help us with our Victoria problem," Carlisle explained at the same time, looking at the wolves patiently and amicably.

I turned to look at the wolf boys who were staring at me apprehensively, as if afraid that I was planning to attack them at any moment. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest, choosing to lean against the wall as Edward proceeded to explain the situation to the wolves.

But I wasn't really interested in anything that they were talking about and instead turned away, only paying half mind while losing myself to my thoughts.

In truth, I couldn't wait for the battle of the New Borns so that I could get the hell out of Forks. All this waiting with nothing to do but reminisce about the past... it was quickly becoming old.

X

_**x~X Leah X~x**_

I really didn't want to be there. And by there, I mostly meant in this fucked up pack-mind bull shit that I seemed forever trapped in these days and not so much the forest.

_'Lighten up Leah,' _Seth's chipper voice piped up in my mind, causing me to growl in his direction (to the right of me) as we waited in the treeline for the arrival of the leeches.

Seth was too fucking excited and it was fucking annoying. In spite of the coursing adrenaline through my veins, I din't feel the need to fucking hop around like a little kid who wants to take a wicked piss.

_'Stop whining!' _Paul thought in my direction, all the while suddenly thinking of me naked and I could feel his damn lascivious fucking smirk in the inside of my mind. I growled all the deeper, getting up and turning my head in his direction. Unfortunately there were several other wolves between me and him, including Sam.

_'Shut the fuck up Paul!'_

_'Leah!' _and there goes my sanctimonious ass of an ex trying to fucking control me.

'_Why don't you fucking tell anything to him?!' _because of course, I was the one that was always being told off. Never one of the fucking guys.

I could feel the rage building inside me, rippling through my muscles and I knew that if I wasn't already phased, the fur would have fucking flown.

I mean, how do these fucking things happen? And why the fuck did all this bull shit have to happen to me?!

_'Cause the universe hates you,' _Quil replied to my rhetorical question. But he was at least close enough to bite.

A yelp rang through the clearing, high and brief at the same moment that Sam called out _'Leah!'_

I really wish that fucking bastard would keep my name out of his mouth.

'_Bitch_,' Quil thought as he slunk further away from me all the while Embry and Paul laughed at him. I growled once more while Sam turned his great big, black head to glare at me over my brother and Jared. As if his glare really has any fucking affect on me.

However, I turned away until finally the fucking Cullens appeared.

One of them seemed to be carrying something on his back... too big to be a bookbag.

'_Bella,' _Jacob thought with a growl which was short lived as images of the pasty white girl, with chocolate brown hair started to blare through the pack link, all bright and fucking sparkly.

Honestly, you won't believe how the wolf's perception of something colors the image presented. Because though I've never seen her from too close up, I know Bella fucking Swan doesn't walk in an aura of constant sunlight. That's Jacob's pansy-ass mind's doing.

Jacob growled at me, but I paid him no mind as we finally did something and walked out to meet the leeches.

'_Is it just me or are there a shit load of them now?' _Jared thought nervously as I counted in my head, not paying any of them any individual attention.

Sans Bella, the group across the clearing from us totaled in eight people, four males and four females.

_'I thought there were only 7 of them,'_ Paul thought, and I could feel the frown in his voice while I mentally ran through the images that Jacob had provided to us of the Cullens in the past.

There was of course, Dr. Leech- the blonde fatherly one.

Then there was the motherly one- I mean, fucking Stepford-wife much?

Then there was the Barbie bitch, the midget with black hair, the big fucking bear of a guy, and the blonde constipated dude and of course, Mr. Fucking Bed-Head Ginger who Bella wants to hump.

I honestly didn't get it. Jacob might be an annoying little fuck, but at least the kid is cute. And since the change, he even looks fuckable.

Unlike Mr. Geriatric Pedo, mind-rapist fuck.

Jacob's bark of a laugh rang through the clearing as Embry joined him. Beside me, I could feel Seth frown at my unkind thoughts.

You would think after knowing me all his life, the kid would be fucking used to me by now.

'_You weren't always so angry and mean, Leah,' _Seth's mind whispered to me and I felt my heart clench as an old memory of us together ran through his head.

We were sitting on the couch, curled up together, watching some Disney movie. I think I was fourteen, Seth was something like eight. Suddenly, I'm not sure what we were talking about or saying because Seth couldn't remember, but I suddenly grinned widely and started to tickle him while he shrieked happily while laughing, begging me to stop.

I felt my heart give a painful clench while Sam seemed go glom on and suddenly before everyone there I was, sixteen and grinning happily. My whole face glowing while he stroked back my long hair and tucked a strand of my dark hair behind my ear.

_'Cut that fucking shit out! Aren't we here supposed to be learning to fucking kill some leeches for some fucking armageddon battle?!' _I yelled through the pack link, feeling my rage surge because how fucking dare he think of me lovingly, how fucking dare he bring up the time when we were dating and happy and thought that we would be together forever just so he could go and fucking imprint on my cousin!

Sam didn't say anything, though we could all feel his sudden embarrassment. But he instead motioned for Jacob to follow him and they both stepped forward. The ginger who Bella had been clinging to stepped forward with a tall, blonde male to meet up closer to Sam and Jacob while we all tensed and watched intensely.

'_It's the one with dark hair and whose skin isn't as pale as the rest of them... she's some friend or something they asked to come help,' _Embry piped up for the rest of us while Sam and Jacob had a conversation with the two leeches while the mind-rapist spoke to them.

Instead of watching them, I turned and looked for who Embry was referring to before I spotted her.

The leech had long black hair... darker even then my own. Her skin, which was pale and perfect, seemed to have a slightly pale-olive tone to it. But it was difficult to tell from her features what she might have been when she was human.

Dressed in black leggings with one of those long black hoodies and black combat boots, she was slender but not very tall. Like the rest, she was sickeningly beautiful.

_'I get a hispanic vibe off her,' _Quil opined. But I didn't really pay him any mind as I continued to study the new leech in town.

Unlike the rest of the Cullens, she seemed to be standing behind the line they created by several feet. Her arms were crossed over her chest and there was a scowl on her face.

She didn't look like she wanted to be there anymore than I did. But what I found interesting was the fact that she stood apart form the Cullens and I wondered what that was about.

Why come fight a fucking battle if you don't care for the people you're standing up with?

Although, not that I could really talk. It's not like I had much of a choice when it came to this fucking tribe-protector bull shit.

As if sensing my attention, the leech turned her head in my direction. For a moment, her dark eyes looked me over, he brow furrowing before she turned away and stared at the proceedings, looking rather bored.

_'Got a girl crush there Leah?' _Paul's voice leered and I snapped towards him, ready to bite his fucking head off but it seemed that we were starting.

I turned away to stare at the ginger who was speaking and stared at his face for single moment, thinking that while he looked too damn much like a teenager that he was actually good-looking in spite of what Jacob thought...

And then he looked up. Eyes like bright fucking topaz met with my own and I was fucking lost.

I'd known how it happened. Felt it in the memories of my pack-mates before me but... somehow it didn't fucking compare when it happened to me. It felt like I was feeling their sentiments through a filter, as if a sheet separated it from touching my heart.

But now...

Fuck fireworks. Fuck the world tilting. Fuck gravity.

It felt like a cosmic explosion. Everything in that moment that wasn't me and him, completely winked out of existence as if it had been sucked into a black hole.

I felt like my heart had been placed in chains and those bright links ran from my heart and where latched around him. Holding us together. Forging a connection that neither one of us wanted or were prepared for.

He was it. He was my everything. And I existed solely to protect him and make him happy in anyway that I could.

_'Oh shit!'_

_'Fuck!' _

_'Did that just fucking happen!'_

_'I can't believe it!'_

_'How is it possible, on a leech?!'_

The words of my mates were background noise and I couldn't really hear them or distinguish who was speaking over the sound of my racing heart as I continued to stare at the shocked boy.

My Imprint.

'_NO_' Sam's voice broke through, but even so, I couldn't tear my gaze away form him. I couldn't. I was frozen.

"Edward? What's going on?" a tentative, vulnerable voice spoke, causing him to look away and break the spell. And suddenly I felt my hackles rise because of course, if _I_ had to imprint it would be on a fucking leech. And not just any fucking leech. It had to be the one that was clingy-Bella's fucking straightjacket.

I did the only thing that was sensible to do. I turned tail and ran.

Quil was right of course, the Universe really does hate me. That's what hurt so much.

X

_**x~X Lene X~x**_

"What just happened?" Rosalie asked, bemused.

"Edaward?" Carlisle intoned quietly as he stepped closer to Eddie while I stared after the wolf who ran, a grey wolf who seemed smaller than most of the others, but was sleep and apparently very fast.

"The girl... she imprinted," Edward whispered back, sounding horrified, speaking so low and fast in his panic that the human wouldn't be able to hear. Hell, I could barely hear him, but then I was standing quite a distance from them.

"Imprinted. What is that?" Rosalie asked callously.

"I think...it's what happens when they look into the eyes of their... mate?" Edward said, thought he didn't sound certain as he turned to look at the wolves, as if pleading for them to correct him.

For a moment, I wondered why Edward would be so panicked about that before it clicked.

Edward had been facing in her direction...

"She imprinted on you?" I asked in a quiet voice, causing Edward's eyes to snap towards me as he attempted to compose himself and straighten up. I'm not sure how, but a vampire _can_ apparently actually get paler.

He seemed about to snarl something when suddenly, he flahsed so that he was before me. I barely moved my hands in time in order to put them before me, as if to ward him off.

I hated having my personal bubble barged into!

Edward caught himself before he got dangerously close. But suddenly, as I looked into his face, I wondered at the somewhat manic expression on his face.

"Help me," he said simple.

"What?"

"Use your power on me," he pleaded with his eyes, his entire form taking a slightly stooped and supplicating manner.

I stared at him, wondering what the hell he was going on about before pausing in my perusal of him.

"You felt it too, didn't you?" I murmured quietly, ignoring all the eyes that I felt latched onto us. If I had a heart, it would have swooped at the sudden delight that I felt when Edward refused to answer, but his eyes and the way his adams apple bobbed said it all. "It's different isn't it? That sudden, magnetic pull that materializes from nothing... that you can't ignore... that demands you be at there side and do everything you can to make them happy," I taunted in quiet tones.

"Edward?" I drew my gaze to Bella and felt my pleasure being properly doused.

"I told you, Eddie. I warned you," I stated seriously, turning to look at Edward now with contempt. "Love for us isn't something that comes slowly. It happens all at once. I told you, you would hurt her."

"I don't have to... if you take it away!" Edward hissed, taking a step closer but stoping when he felt me press an index finger to his chest and gave him a warning look.

"I'm not going to make this easy on you. You don't deserve it. You need a good damn reality-check and to learn some damn humility," I sneered at him. "Maybe in the future, you'll learn to have some damn compassion instead of arrogantly thinking you know everything and that the feelings of others don't fucking matter."

I turned away.

"Lene," I heard a disappointed voice but I shook my head.

"NO, Carlisle! Not this time," I snapped, before running through the trees to get away from them.

I wouldn't be guilt-tripped. I wouldn't be reasoned with. I wouldn't be bribed.

Edward was finally going to be in my shoes, and I wanted him to fester with the guilt, of having his heart tugged mercilessly by a force that he was powerless to stop.

I might have felt sorry for Bella, but I hoped that she was strong enough to weather the bitter experience and move on and if she wasn't, then she probably wasn't worth the space she was taking up.

X

I'm not sure how long I'd been moving through the tress, running away from the Cullens before coming to a stop. I could feel as I moved, not really paying attention to where I was going except to keep under the cover of foliage, someone following behind me. I hoped, as I gathered my powers, that it wasn't Edward fucking following me because I would freeze his ass, just to steel one of his arms and hide it before unfreezing him so that he could go off and track down his arm and leave me the hell alone.

As I finally stopped, I closer my eyes and tilted my head back, extending my senses. I wasn't alone for long, but one breath, and I knew who'd followed behind me.

"I won't be moved or convinced, Carlisle," I called as I hear him step closer before coming to a halt.

"Do you hate Edward that much?" he asked dispassionately, calmly.

I snapped my eyes opened and turned to glare at him.

"I don't hate Edward... I dislike his personality, it aggravates me that he feels himself so superior to others all the while thinking himself a monster. I resent him, for everything he's said to me over the years, for blaming me for what happened as if I asked you to turn me, to fu-"

I stopped in my angry tirade and straightened up, taking a sharp breath at what I was about to say. Reaching up, I ran my hands through my hair and felt tears that wouldn't fall build hotly in my eyes.

"He treated me like all those fucking nurses used to. Like I was a dirty urchin-whore... like it was my own fault I got-"

_AIDS._

I didn't get to say it. I wasn't sure I would be able to. And Carlisle knew that. Knew that every-time, even after all these years, the word was so bitter that only at my most self-deprecating I could say it.

Perhaps that's why suddenly, stunningly, I found my forehead pressed into his chest, one of his hands lodged in my hair while the other held my waist and all the words that I might have spat got caught in my throat.

I shut my eyes, leaning against him minutely because I couldn't hold myself together as the weight of it all came back to me.

The hate. The hurt. The betrayal.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, placing a kiss on my head, causing me to pull away because it felt... empty.

I know he meant it... Carlisle was the most compassionate being in all of existence. But this that he was giving to me, he might give to about any patient. It wasn't special.

"It's done. It's past," I grit out, shutting my eyes and rubbing a hand over them because really, I thought I let all this emotional shit go already. Taking a deep breath, I willed myself to disconnect from that past... from those last years.

"But it doesn't mean he gets a free pass."

"Edward was too young when I changed him-"

"I don't care, Carlisle," I snapped, looking up at him because once more, he was just making excuses for his brat. "He's been around for like a century. He should know by now that monsters aren't simply creatures that suck the blood of the living... its people who have no regard for the feelings of others too."

Carlisle looked pained at my words but did not seem to disagree as he ducked his head.

"It's a learning experience," I sighed.

"But what about Bella?"

"She doesn't belong in our world. And she'll be better off, ultimately."

Carlisle frowned. "She fell apart while we were gone. She was barely getting better when we returned."

"Maybe if you stayed completely away, she would have fully recovered and moved on."

"You haven't," he stated suddenly and I felt the world shift beneath my feet. I stared at Carlisle incredulously.

"How could you compare-" I started to ask, my voice raising in indignation as ha cavalierly compared my feelings for him to Bella's for Edward.

"You walked away. You left me and you were gone for ten years- how? And why did you come back?"

I looked away, understanding what he was saying. He was asking me how it was possible, if we were truly mates. And in spite of the veil I put between him and his emotions for me, I could see the confusion written on his features as he tried to understand.

_Would his heart be broken now, if I weren't keeping him disconnected from his true feelings for me? Would he feel distraught at the mere thought that I could leave him and stay away for so long?_

I couldn't respond. I couldn't tell him.

What was the point, if he didn't know what I'd done already? If he couldn't guess that I had to disconnect myself from my emotions, what was the point in telling him?

_He doubts that I'm his mate... but then, hasn't he since Esme returned? Why wouldn't he leave Esme for me? Because he turned her... made her live after her son had died and taken away her possibility to have more children and a real family?Because he couldn't hurt her after all that? Because he felt obligated? Such weak arguments!_

"You should go back," I told him, my voice hard. "Before they start thinking we're out here fucking."

Carlisle flinched. For a moment, pain flashed through his clouded eyes. But he ducked his head and started to walk away, making my heart ache in my chest.

W_hat was that? Is IT weakening?_

I got lost in my thoughts, phantom heart racing, breathing erratic as I panicked in wonder.I didn't even hear the sudden rustling behind me.

"I thought Dr. Leech was married to that other brunette."

**TBC...**

**A/n: **Sorry for any mistakes, I just wanted to get this chapter posted already. (Writing at least 5k for a chapter is hard XD)

Oh and to _bridgetlynn_, very intuitive of you! Yes, Magdalene had HIV/AIDS, but I'll reveal exactly how she got it in possibly the next chapter.

Anyway, please review! And so sorry for the long wait!


End file.
